So, at last, what I wish to share with you. Certain lessons, as most of us well know, can only come through pain and suffering. I have been fortunate enough to be blessed with a job, a home, comfort, clothing, a loving family, and the most wonderful friends I could ask for. I have not suffered as the martyrs or the people in Sudan might be suffering...but I know what pain feels like—I know the utter emptiness of heartbreak—how the pain can cripple you, make you not want to move or do anything. The pain eats at you like a cancer...but only if you let it. A wise priest told me that life is all about loss. "But it's not just about loss," he said, "It's about how you handle that loss. Do you handle that loss with grace? Or do you let it handle you?" I am afraid to admit that at some points, I have let it handle me. But then, I pick myself up, embrace my cross, and I walk on. And I find...I am stronger than before. I have NO IDEA what God is asking of me sometimes, but now I know what He is asking of me ALL THE TIME. To do everything I can to not look to myself. I cannot do everything. I cannot handle everything. I am not little Miss Invincible. I am weak. I am nothing. But when I realise this...God gives me the strength to handle whatever comes my way, even if it is pain, loss, suffering.
I do not wish to dishearten my readers. I think I am happier than I have ever been. Actually, not happy...joyful. There is a definite difference. Happiness is that great feeling I get when someone does something nice for me, or when I accomplish something...but joy...OH joy! It's that swelling of the heart that stirs my soul and makes it sore to the heights, because I have loved someone else. Things that I have found to be mundane and tedious have new meaning...I find joy in my work, because I do it for others and for God.
I may have lost something...or someone...but I have gained an infinite amount of riches. I am no longer afraid of what life has in store for me...be it happiness or pain...because I know that God is with me. It seems my heart must bleed in order for me to realise that. Go on then, let it bleed... If it stopped, it might harden into that horrible selfish person that I no longer wish to be. Perhaps this is too personal a post, but I am tired of being fearful of what others may think of me. I want to be me...passionate, crazy, joyful, wacko me. Today, I am no longer afraid. I will no longer hide my words.
Life is definitely about loss...but after we come out of the fog and into the light, we realise that what we have lost is not as important as what we have gained. So, Father (who remains anonymous), I beg to differ. Life is all about GAIN. There are of course losses, but those moments are fleeting, although they may be dark. But when the veil has lifted, and we see the risen shining Son (pun intended of course), the gain is so much greater. It's true 'no pain, no gain' (this is where I'm supposed to insert some awesome Greek relationship between the words both ending in 'ain', but uh...I can't), so look alive! Arise! Be not afraid...for I am with you until the end of the age...
